Why Film Dorks Can't See "Nine"

I was really excited about Nine, Rob Marshall’s adaptation of the musical adaptation of Fellini’s 8 1/2. Fellini was my college art house favorite. I love his big characters, his noisy chaos, and the whole raging back story of Fellini’s life. (Read “Fellini on Fellini” if you ever have the chance or inclination. Homeboy had a life.)

Unfortunately, they added on that other half. In no particular order, here are nine things wrong with Nine.

1. Nine is too schmaltzy. The play debuted in the late eighties/early nineties. The is, after all, the time period that gave us Michael Bolton. The songs, with the exception of the excellent/terrifying “Be Italian,” are all forgettable and not so good.

2. Nine is too long. Even though it runs at a little under two hours, it felt eternal.

3. Nine is a “modern” musical. That means, according to Rob Marshall, every song is a figment of a character’s imagination. And that means, according to me, that the arc of the movie completely halts every time somebody sings.

4. Kate Hudson sings the worst, cheesiest, most obnoxious song ever. Cinema Italiano may be the only musical song to ever include a lyric about neorealism.

5. There were ladies in it other than Penelope Cruz and Marion Cotillard. Judie Dench was cool and all, but Nicole Kidman really could’ve stayed at home.

6. The whole thing felt like a perfume ad. Not so much with the depth, but lots with the pretty backgrounds and soft lighting.

7. There were too many famous people. At a point, it started to feel like old MGM Cavalcade of Stars shorts.

8. Nine revolves around Italian stereotypes without having fun with them. Everyone mopes around like their Italianess is weighing down every life choice. Except Kate Hudson of course. She’s just excited to be in a movie.

9. Nine attempts to make a commodity out of someone’s life. And while I understand movie making is all about commodity making, it seems like you could’ve made a better movie to make money off of a great director.

So in total, see it if you must. Penelope Cruz and Marion Cotillard are really quite good. And Daniel Day Lewis is the male Meryl Streep. Ridiculously good. But overall, Nine is far less than Fellini deserves.

And to tell the truth, I suspect he wouldn’t have loved it so much. Nine’s kind of a downer.



"The way Contini puts his image through a prism. I feel my body thrill, gives me a special thrill, each time I see that Guido neorealism."